


My Most Amazing Phil

by CaitynotaCat



Series: Phan Fluff, Angst, and More!!! [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Other, Post-Break Up, Self-Hatred, mentions of depression, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 12:38:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6956767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaitynotaCat/pseuds/CaitynotaCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has broken things off with Dan and everything of Phil's is being moved out. Phil may be done with this relationship, but what does Dan have to say about it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Most Amazing Phil

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: Mentions of potential self harm and potential suicidal thoughts and tendencies. There is also some self-hatred.  
> If these things are touchy for you, please do not read. Better safe than sorry. Your well being is more important than some reads on a short story.

I paced around the room, trying to hold back the tears. They had their time- two days of it. Now was the time to gather your things. All of the little things laying around - all the things that made the flat home- were yours. The knick-knacks on the mantle, half of the books in the overstuffed bookcase (that would soon be half empty), and the colorful decorations scattered in every room; these would all be gone in a few hours.  
Most of your belongings were already packed; the boxes stacked as neatly as I could near the door so as not to damage anything. I cared about (still care about) these things as a visual representation of you, Phil. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

You just left with the last of your boxes, Phil. The flat is now devoid of all color. Why did I insist on buying only black things? `What isn’t covered in some shade of grey or black is a washed-out white. It’s so bare in here and it only serves to remind me of your absence. As soon as the moving van left with your second (and final) load of boxes was when I turned and noticed the bareness of everything. It has always been like that for me: your absence. It has always been like all the color has left the world around me, leaving only black and white.  
That’s when I couldn’t hold the tears anymore. I cried so hard, Phil. Like those times when not even you could get me to smile. I almost relapsed, Phil, on all of those horrible things I used to do. We had everything I needed- razors, meds and rope- all I needed to do was grab them. But I thought of you. I remembered all the times I had been like this and you had sat next to me and talk about such beautiful, positive things.  
You would describe some beautiful, serene landscape or talk about the good things you had heard about lately. Phil, you would always show me how beautiful the world could be. I could never see it until you showed me. You have always been one of those rare, wonderful people who could see the best in everything. I guess I was too toxic for even your perfect positivity. I always thought I would be the one to break my own heart, Phil, not you. With how much I feared being outed and how much you hated the closet, I thought I might finally grow a set and leave you. So you didn’t have to stay in the closet for me. I’m selfish though. I’m a coward. I loved (still love) you too much to let you go.  
But now you’re finally free. Free from me and my pathetic, depressive personality.You are free to be the wonderful, unique ray of sunshine you are. You don’t have to comfort anyone while they’re trying not to reach for their destructive habits and crying over nothing of importance.  
That was another thing I failed at- my fault. So much was my fault. I am so sorry for all the things I’ve done.  
Those habits are calling again. I’m drowning them out though. I’m at the piano, playing your favorite song. I can hear your voice singing along. Everyone always assumed you couldn’t since you never sang in front of anyone. But Phil, your voice has always been amazing. It’s just one small thing I’ll miss about you, Phil.  
I will miss everything about you- your goofy ways, your clutzy trips and accidents, even your cereal thieving. Because I love you Phil. But you deserve better than me. You deserve someone just as amazing as you. That’s why I won’t chase after you- no matter how much I love you- because you deserve better and I cannot be that person. I hope you at least find someone who can be just as amazingly perfect as you, Phil.  
I don’t know what I’m going to do now. Maybe I’ll get the help I’ve needed since the beginning. You never said, but I could tell from your expressions that you thought I needed it. You were always right about everything else anyway. 

Good-bye Phil. I’ll love you forever and always, to the stars and back.  
Dan


End file.
